Season 1 - Bloopers
Travelling Light S01 Bloopers Transcript
H.R. Owen
Hello friends, Hero here with a quick introduc- [flubbers]
Hello friends, Hero here- [bursts out laughing] Sorry, my voice sounds really deep! [laughs] [in an American accent] Get that testosterone.
[mimicking the Monstrous Agonies theme tune] Buh-bum! That's not the theme tune any more. We've got a different theme tune. Now it's more like, [mimicking the TL theme tune] vwaaah...
[Title music: rhythmic electronic folk.]
H.R. Owen
Alright. Let's go, lesbians.
[lip trill] Test, test, one two, one two, test test. Hello-o-o, microphone!
One two… There you are! [bad French accent] My little waveform was playin' 'ard to get, a-ha-ha. [English accent] But I got it! [American accent] Boy diggity, did I get it.
[deep voice] Travelling Ligh- Ooh. [high pitched] Ooh! [laughing] Just immediately forgotten how I speak!
[singing up and down a scale] Do I have it on the right channel? [moving a note higher] Am I recording in the right mic?
One, two, three, huh! [claps hand]
[as the Traveller] Alright, let's get into the Traveller. I love the Traveller! [camply] They're just so butch! [laughs]
[deep voice] One two, one two, one two. Oh, I- No, I-I don't need to be down here! [laughs, then continues as the Presenter from Monstrous Agonies] I stopped playing that character quite some time ago, but they still pop up occasionally.
[as the Traveller] And there are two stations to complete the portrait. [staccato mouth noises. Then, in a thick Yorkshire accent;] 'Ey up.
[as the Traveller] And offers an alternati- [spluttering]
[normal voice] Second Herach- Ooh. I forgot to do my voice. It's not a very different voice, but it's different enough!
Click click, whirr whirr, bam bam, [lip trill]
[flubbering]
[as the Traveller] Peteimos. We've been on this planet for [bleep]-ing ages! [laughs]
[singing, to the tune of Let's Call the Whole Thing Off] You say Peteimos, I say Pe-tah-mos…
[as the Traveller] Notes. [clears throats, and repeats in a growl:] Notes!
Oh God, everything is crunching. Every time I move, something in my spine pops.
[as the Traveller] Aman's tannoy announ- [flubbers]
[as the Traveller] Entry LA85- Eh!
[as the Traveller] Tautha Serran is the historical site of the planet's first port-a-kir- [breaks off into spluttering]
[groaning noises]
Flora and flor- [flubbering]
[singing to the tune of I Think I Need A New Heart by the Magnetic Fields] You lie too, but it's a sin that I can't tell the truth, ba-da-da-da da-da daaah, And I don't know the words…
[rolling the Rs excessively] Ringing in resonant harmony
[as the Traveller] When the time comes, myself, Aman, eurl- Oo-oly! Oily Boy!
[grumbling noises]
[as Hesje] That's what Duytren was up to when she went on her anthropoddle- anthropoddle- [flubbering]
[swallowing, followed by a lip trill] OK.
[humming while drinking. The humming descends into a kind of very wet beatboxing, as Hero makes horrible squelching noises with their mouth while humming an improvised tune before finishing by smacking their lips repeatedly]
It's very distressing. I'm distressed.
[slurping drinking noises. Hero bubbles the water through their lips for a long time before swallowing. Then, after a beat;] I'd be such a good lava lamp.
We spelt a- [flubbering, then singing;] We spelt a little longer!
[lip trilling that descends into growling and cawing like some kind of horrible creature]
Got lot- Oh. Got lip balm on my laptop.
[as the Traveller] And I made why may over- [flubbering]
[as Tsabec] “Come on,” S- “Come on,” Tsabec tsuh… [spluttering Yorkshirely] Come on, Tsabec chivvied! [laughs]
My trousers are very itchy today…
[mimicking the specific sound pedestrian crossings in Dublin make when you press the button to cross]
[Singing 'ooh' on a wobbly, up and down pitch]
I did a big squelch in the middle of that.
[as the Traveller] The spiritual life of our community. [lip smacking] Mm, the spitiful life, more like, a-ha! Yo.
[with wet mouth sounds as they speak] There was a long, still silence… Full of spit.
[as the Traveller, spitilly] Blessings of the new month to you, my friends. [lip smacking noises. Then, leant in close to whisper into the microphone and making additional spit noises as they speak] Blessings of the new month to you, my friends. [lip smacking]
[to the tune of How Far I'll Go from Moana, in a bad American emo voice] I've been staring at the edge of the water long as I can remember, never really knowing why.
[squeaks and grunts]
[sighing] B… C, D, E, F. G! Ooh, I'm so good at my letters.
[to the tune of How Far I'll Go from Moana, in a bad American emo voice] I wish I could be a perfect daughter, but I come back to the water no matter how hard I try.
I'm very healthy and well. [sighs]
Entry SH- Oop woop boop boop boop.
Next door are having a door slamming competition. I'm delighted.
[spluttering noises]
[in character voice] I'll see if my fella's interested and get back to you to rarrange- And get back to you to rarrange- And get back with you to sort the rest out.
[as Hesje] May the stars shine favou- [lapsing into a silly accent] May the stars shine favourably on you both. [flubbering]
[as Resimus] Authentic- Authentic Ekthtern- Authentic Echtern cloisonné. Ooooh!
[as Scarry] I was beginning to think you weren't coming. [playing with the accent] Coming. Cerming. Cyooming. [beat] Cumin.
[as Scarry, but slipping almost immediately into a West Country accent] Yes, you're right. Right? Rarrr. [normal voice] Northern Ireland is in Somerset now.
[blustering, academic noises] Tsabec. Bleugh.
[as Hesje] A-pa-pa-pa. Ooh! Ooh, I'm Hesje! [laughs, then mimicks Alan Bennett's performance as Piglet] Help, help! There's a horrible heffalump! [snorting laugh]
[as Tsabec] That, my young friend, is archaeology. [laughs] Archaeology!! [laughs]
[as Aman] Breeding. [Hero descends immediately into snorting giggles. When they catch their breath, they whisper;] I just need a moment…!
[in character voice] But you know yourself, most places in the galaxy are very stri- [flubbering]
[as the Traveller] Haulsdree Staysh… Haulsdree Straysh… [flubbering]
[as the Traveller, the accent slipping] It is the only thing I can do. [in a silly accent] I can do. It is the only thing I can do.
[Hero harrumphs, then continues the sound, crescendoing like an engine revving up]
[as the Traveller] And I felt my flite… [splutters] Flelt my flace flare fleh fleh.
[as the Traveller] Hesje- Hesje so- Hesje- Hesje sho- Hesje shot back.
[lip trills, repeating and increasing in intensity before lots of lip smacking] God my pop shield is covered in spit. How did that happen, I wonder. [laughs]
[as the Traveller] They let out a sigh and patted me companiobly- Companion- Companionably- Compamiob- [flubbering] And patted me gently on the arm.
[to the tune of Pink Pony Club by Chappelle Roan] God, what have I done? I pressed a button, now everything's weird on Audacity.
That's a terrible transition, Hero. [in a silly voice] Well, I'm a terrible little guy. What do you want from me? [laughs, then continues in their normal voice] That's my real voice. I put on this one for everybody else, [in silly voice] But I actually talk like this! [laughs] I'm just a dreadful little minx! [laughs]
[trilling noise]
I think I might just make life difficult for myself.
If only there was some way for me to know what was coming, uhh… Later in the sentence. [clears throat] A mystery.
[as the Traveller] Though she did not take kindly to Doctor Hesje's suggestions. [normal voice] Doctor Hesje's suggestions? What a silly thing to write.
[as the Traveller] And a desultory wind that stirred the grass. [normal voice] I don't know if that's how you pronounce that word! [laughs while typing] Pronunciation… [beat, then a computerised voice says in an English accent;] Desultory. [Hero mimics the voice] Desultory! [laughs]
[as the Traveller] Our destination was a planet called- Ooh, [bleep]! [laughs] Um. I gave them really fun alien names but I don't know how to pronounce them.
[as the Traveller] I lost myself in the feeling of the attendant's hands on my body, worm- Worm and form? Worm and form. Warm and firm.
[as the Traveller] To get my blood working and worm- Worm up! [laughs, and continues in normal voice] Man up? Old, tired, misogynistic. Worm up? Fresh, new, inclusive.
[as the Traveller] It wasn't until I took my pocket k- Pocket cool kit. [staccatto stuttering] It wasn't until I took my pocket- [normal voice] Pocket tool kit out of my pack, why have I written that?! Why have I done that to myself! Didn't have to. Pocket tool kit, pocket tool kit, pocket tool kit. I'm gonna get a cat and name it Pocket Tool Kit.
[as Óli] She gave me… My freedom. [beat. Then Hero mimicks the drum fill from In the Air Tonight by Phil Collins.] That was… That was In the Air Tonight, that wasn't Eastenders, was it? [laughs and takes a drink, making a shrugging sound] Drums a drum. What you gonna do? Drum drum, boom boom.
Genuinely did that… really badly. [singing] But I'm not gonna do it again!
[Title music: rhythmic instrumental folk. It plays throughout the closing credits.]
H.R. Owen
Travelling Light was crea- Wah! I always shout it! [laughs] I always shout the first syllable of the credits. I did it for three years on Monstrous Agonies and I'm starting as I mean to go on now!
Travelling Light was created by H.R. Owen and Matt Mc- [flubbering] Who? Some [bleep]-ing [bleep].
Travelling Light was created by H.R. Owen and Matt McDyre, and is a Monstrous Productions podcast. I think I squeaked through my nose as I said that. [squeak]
If you've got an idea for an archive entry, we want to hear it. Our inbox is staying in the mid-season break, so get your submissions in for Season Two. We accept anything from a one line prompt to a fully written entry through our website, by email, or on social moy- Moyda. [gangester voice] On social murder!
If you want to support Travelling Light, clea- please consider leaving a review on your pa- pol- [flubbering]
Please consider leaving a review on your podcast platform of choice. You can also make a one-off donation or sign up for a monthly subscrishon- [slurping noise]
Or sign up for a monthly subscription at ko-fi.com/monstrousproductions.
This podcast is distributed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License. The theme tune is by Vinca.
Finished! Nailed it! Off we [bleep]!
[Fade to silence.]
--END TRANSCRIPT--
