Feed Drop - Sidequesting
Sidequesting Feed Drop Transcript
H.R. Owen
Hello friends, Hero here with a wee treat for you during our break. Sidequesting is a fantasy podcast all about avoiding the main plot.
It follows budding adventurer Rion as they diligently carry out whatever quests and missions people give them – just as long they're not being asked to deal with the big scary wizard everyone keeps talking about.
You can listen to Sidequesting wherever you get your podcasts, and learn more or read the transcripts at sidequestingpod.com.
I'll put more details in the show-notes but for now, please sit back and enjoy Episode 11: Honor Among Thieves, wherein Rion gets a crash course in heisting.
Sidequesting Episode 11
Cassandra: [voice over] Dear Orion. I hope this letter finds you well. I have heard word that you are in my fair city, and I ask you for aid, as I know you are a traveler who has helped many before. My castle is being besieged by a band of thieves looking to steal from the town coffers. I know not when they will strike again, and as my men have only barely stopped them before, I fear they will succeed on their next attempt. A person of your talents would be most useful to protecting my keep, and you will be rewarded most handsomely. Show this letter at the front gate of the castle and you will be escorted to me. I will explain the details in person. I do not want to say more in case this letter is stolen by those who wish to do me harm. I look forward to your response. Sincerely, Lord Cassandra.
Astrid: [voice over] Rion - my apologies for dropping this letter in your pocket instead of speaking face to face, but I didn’t want to be seen by the guards. They do not work for the good of the town - they enable a corrupt ruler to take advantage of her people, who she sees and sources of coin and not as individuals. I ask for your help in righting the wrongs that have been done to this city. If you are interested, go to the run-down house at the end of market street at your earliest convenience. I’ll be there waiting. You’ll need the password “Moonlight”.
Narration: Well, these were a fun pair of letters to receive. One presented to me by a guard when I entered the city, and one slipped in my pocket by someone I didn’t even see. What a coincidence. I love it when adventure finds me. I’m not so sure how I feel about the fact that both parties have heard of me. Hopefully they don’t start calling me a Hero Knight or something. Not again.
I’ve got a choice ahead of me. It’s not a hard one, but still – It’s a choice. A castle lord or a mysterious put-pocket. While a handsome reward is tempting, righting some wrongs is even more so. Plus, I can’t not go find out who slipped this in my pocket.
And so I find myself wandering down market street. Despite the name, there is no market to be found. It’s fairly empty, except for a few people hurrying on their way. A guard accosts one of them, demanding payment for something or another. Payment that this person clearly doesn’t have. [sigh] I walk over and give the guard some coins, and satisfied, she leaves. I’m starting to get what the letter from not-Cassandra was saying. This lord is indeed out to take advantage of her people. Frankly, I’m pretty disappointed in her guards’ enabling of her behavior. Tsk-tsk.
I make it to the rundown house without further detour. It’s the easiest home on the street to spot. The front garden is overgrown with weeds, the windows are boarded up, and paint is peeling off the walls. A path of trampled weeds leads to the door, which I’m surprised to see is actually on its hinges. Before I can knock, I hear a voice through the door.
Fig: [as mysteriously as they can muster] Password?
Rion: ...Moonlight?
[SFX: Several locks are unlocked. Door swings open. A pause.]
Rory (from inside): Well, come in!
[SFX: Footsteps as Rion comes in. Door closes.]
Narration: The house is well lit and cozy, in stark contrast to the outside. There’s several couches with blankets and pillows, a small kitchen where tea is brewing, and some tables with a variety of tools scattered across them. I see one person carefully re-locking the door, and another lounging on a couch with his feet up. A woman carefully examines me as I walk through the entryway.
Astrid: Welcome, Rion. I’m so happy you decided to come. I’m Astrid, and that’s Fig and Rory over there.
Rion: Hiya.
Astrid: I’ll admit, when I saw the guards delivering Cassandra’s letter to you I got a little worried.
Rion: You saw that? Huh. Well, you didn’t need to be worried. One look at how they treat people and my decision was clear.
Astrid: Mostly, I’m not sure how one additional person helps a lord with an entire retinue of guards.
Rion: Honestly, I wasn’t too sure either. I think she thinks I can do more than I can.
Astrid: That’s definitely in character.
Rion: [muttered] Probably wanted me to go harass people who didn’t pay their taxes.
Astrid: What was that?
Rion: Oh, I said Cassandra probably wanted me to go bother people who didn’t pay their taxes. On my way here, there was a guard outside doing just that.
Astrid: Yeah, they’re a real nuisance.
Rory: You can say that again!
Fig: When they’re not looking for us, they’re looking for more money.
Rory: [muttered] Which we don’t even have.
Rion: If you don’t mind me asking, why do you all sign when you talk?
Astrid: So I can understand what they’re saying. I’m deaf.
Rion: Oh, okay. I’m sorry that I don’t know how to sign. I never got the chance to learn it back home.
Fig: I’ve been signing for you. I wasn’t trying to be sneaky about it, but I have been standing behind you for the most part.
Rion: Well, thank you.
Fig: Anytime.
Rion: Going back on topic here, what do you need an extra person for?
Astrid: Our main reason for needing a fourth person is that Lord Cassandra and her guards are on high alert for a group of three people entering the castle.
Rory: We may have slightly botched our first attempt at this plan…
Fig: [in a why did you have to bring that up? sort of way] Rory!
Rion: What was your first attempt…?
Astrid: Well, this whole… fiasco started about a year ago when Cassandra became Lord. Her father retired, and as his only child she took up the title. When Edward was lord, he was good and kind. Unfortunately, Cassandra isn’t like her dad. She’s very… [searching for a word]
Fig: Meeeeeaaan?
Rory: A real jerk!
Astrid: Let’s go with greedy. She instituted taxes, then raised them, then raised them again. She claims it’s all in the name of “city protection,” but I think that’s her excuse to send her guards out into the town. As you saw, they don’t protect anyone - they shake them down for money.
Rion: That’s terrible.
Rory: Lords are supposed to protect their cities from outside threats, not from… their cities itself.
Fig: Historically we’ve been very good at solving our own disputes without the presence of guards. The only time Cassandra’s father sent his guards into the city was when a big storm destroyed part of it.
Rory: They helped rebuild it! Now, they threaten to destroy people’s homes if they don’t pay their taxes.
Astrid: It’s been a difficult year. And we are attempting… countermeasures.
Rion: Good. I’m in. I mean, I was in before. But now I’m extra in.
Astrid: Our first attempt involved sneaking into Cassandra’s castle at night. We were going to raid the vaults... but we didn’t get very far.
Fig: Let’s just say the guards are now on high alert for a group of three attempting to infiltrate the castle.
Astrid: It was an oversight on my part. Won’t be happening again.
Rion: What’s the plan this time, then?
Astrid: Sneak in during the day.
Rion: Oh?Rory: It’ll be a daylight robbery.
Fig: We’re hoping to lean into the tactics of distraction and surprise.
Rion: [excited] Two of my favorite things.
Astrid: And we’ll need your help for both of them. Fig here is our master locksmith, and Rory over there has a talent for detecting magic.
Rory: [interrupting slightly] Speaking of which, did you know your sword is just radiating magic?
Rion: Nope. Really?
Rory: Really! Usually with magical objects, I can tell what they do, or at least what the magic is for. But your sword has so much magic around it that I can’t figure out any specifics. It’s just completely overloaded.
Rion: Huh. Imagine that.
Rory: That could come in handy. I wonder what would happen if you went near specific magic detecting spells. Would it set everything off? Would it just cause interference? I think it would cause interference… You could probably get into a lot of places with that.. Oh I hope we can find out.
Astrid: [interrupting] Rory, you’re getting off topic.
Rory: Yes. Right. Sorry.
Astrid: Fig is how we get behind locked doors, and Rory is how we don’t get caught doing that.
Fig: It turns out, most anti-theft spells prevent people from magically opening locks, but they don’t do much to prevent old fashioned sticks of metal.
Rory: It’s hard to get spellwork to tell which piece of metal in the lock is the key and which piece is Fig’s lockpicks.
Fig: Saves me from having to make my own key, at any rate. Their laziness… [realizes they don’t have a good way to finish this] is my laziness.
Astrid: But first, we need to make it into the castle and to those locked doors before we can open them.
Narration: Astrid explains her plan. We’ll disguise ourselves as merchants to get through the front gates. According to Fig’s reconnaissance, tomorrow is market day at the castle. As a bonus, having large bags will be extraordinarily helpful when it comes time to clear the vaults. Fig is our key to get into them, and Rory is in charge of making sure they get there. Apparently this entails some form of magical distraction in a different section of the castle to draw the guards away. Rory is not very clear on the details of this. Once Fig gets the door open, we’ll all head in. And after we’ve collected the goods, we’ll just walk out. It sounds nice and smooth when Astrid explains it. I hope it actually goes that way.
That evening, I get a crash course in heisting. Astrid teaches me a few of the most important signals, including one that everyone calls “the trust me signal” - for when you don’t have time to explain what you’re doing. Thankfully, I also learn some signs for when I can explain what I’m doing. Fig shows me their collection of locks and demonstrates how to pick one. I give it go, and manage to get some of their easy locks open. It’s actually pretty fun. Rory mostly questions me about my sword, but he also tells me more about how magic and wards function. He set up the ones around this house, and he’s very proud of them. As someone who doesn’t really use magic, most of it goes over my head, but it’s interesting nonetheless. We also make our disguises, which is definitely my favorite part. Astrid has a talent for costuming. In no time at all, we’re looking like a right band of merchants. There’s even some time for us to sleep before we head out in the morning. I love a sleepover.
The next day, after waking up and gathering all of our things, we find ourselves in front of the castle gates. A guard stands there, questioning everyone who wants to enter.
Rory: [only a little awkwardly] Greetings!
Gate Guard: State your name and purpose for entering.
Rory: I am… uhhh… Jimothy, here to sell my wares at your market. These are my traveling companions and fellow merchants.
Gate Guard: Thank you. You four may enter.
[SFX: Gate opens, footsteps as they walk through it]
Fig: [quietly, somewhat relieved] That was easy. [pause] This way.
[SFX: Footsteps. 4 pairs.]
Fig: [quietly] annnd here we are
[SFX: Closet door opens]
Astrid: [quietly] You ready, Rory?
Rory: [Mostly quietly, but containing excitement] Oh yeah.
[SFX: Footsteps as three people go into the closet, then the closet door closes. We hear the sound of some magicy noises and then a muffled explosion. The closet door opens and closes again, quickly.]
Rory: [slightly out of breath] Perfect. Annd… here come the guards… and there they go. Fig, you’re up. Let’s roll.
[SFX: We hear muffled footsteps down the hallway that are the guards while Rory narrates.]
[SFX: Closet door opens, footsteps as four people get out, closet door closes.]
Narration: Fig leads us down a winding hallway that runs deep into the castle keep. A few turns later and we’re at the vault. But just then, we hear distant footsteps with the tell-tale cadence of a guard on patrol. Astrid looks at me, eyes wide. This was not part of the plan. This guard is supposed to be on the other side of the castle with the others, investigating whatever it is that Rory has left for them. But I have a plan. I pull off my merchant coat and hand it to Astrid. I signal “trust me,” then walk down the hall to reach the guard before she sees the others.
[SFX: Footsteps. Again.]
Rion: [approaching guard] Oh, thank goodness you’re here! I’m terribly, terribly lost!
Hallway Guard: [very confused] Excuse me? You’re… lost in the lower hallways?
Rion: I received this letter from Lord Cassandra, and I’m trying to answer her summons. I must have made a wrong turn. Can- can you direct me to her?
Hallway Guard: [still very confused] But- but how did you get down here? You should have been escorted in from the gates. This is quite the breach of protocol.
Rion: Oh, I’m sorry, I followed what looked like a merchant in.
Hallway Guard: [less confused] Ah, that explains it. Today is the great court market! You should visit after you meet with the lord.
Rion: I’ll have to do that.
Hallway Guard: But next time, do get an escort before you start wandering off. There’s no need to follow merchants in.
Rion: Of course!
Narration: The guard leads me to Cassandra where I get to have the honor of turning her down personally. She is quite displeased with me. I am very pleased. I do my best to make my lecture long enough for Astrid and her team to get away. While I’m at it, I sneak some very dirty looks to her guards. They should know better. Thankfully, as mad as she is, Cassandra can’t kick me out of the city, because I haven’t done anything wrong… that she knows of, anyway.
And so I rendezvous with the others back at the rundown house, where most of the treasury's contents is now located. Astrid, Fig, and Rory are discussing the best ways to return the money to the town without Cassandra catching word of who took it. They made it out of the castle without a trace. And of course, they demand to know where I went and what I did. So I share the story of my lecture and Cassandra’s offended face and my unceremonious removal from the castle.
Rory: Wow, I can’t believe you got away with that!
Fig: I can’t believe she let you stand there long enough for us to get away with this!
Astrid: You certainly have a knack for this sort of work, Rion.
Rion: Thanks. You all taught me a lot, though.
Astrid: Well, you’re a fast learner.
Rion: Will you be good on your own from here on out? I should be on my way before Cassandra notices her treasury is… somewhat empty and puts two and together.
Rory: Yeah, you do not want to get dragged in for questioning. Trust me.
Astrid: We’ve got everything under control now.
Fig: And if we need help down the line… we’ll know where to find you.
Rion: That’s ominous.
Rory: They mean I’ll set up a messaging spell.x
Rion: Oh. Less ominous.
Fig: [not mad, more exasperated] Darn it, Rory, let me be mysterious for once! I’m trying to cultivate an inexplicable aura!
Astrid: You’re mysterious enough as it is, Fig.
Fig: Not enough, Astrid! Not enough.
Rion: [laughs] Take care, everyone.
Credits:
Thank you for sidequesting with us. This episode, Honor Among Thieves, was written and produced by Tal Minear. The voice of Cassandra was Kirsty Woolven. The voice of Astrid was Caroline Mincks. Fig was voiced by Brad Colbroock, and Rory was voiced by Scottye Moore. The guard at the gate was voiced by Anne Baird, and the guard in the hallway was voiced by Alicia Atkins. The voice of Rion was Tal Minear. A big thanks to Anne, Ilya, Jesse, Kyle, and E.L. Thackwray for supporting this episode.
[Fade to silence]
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