M.A. Presents: How to Make a Podcast
Originally posted on July 22nd 2021
How to Make a Podcast Transcript
[Title music: slow, bluesy jazz.]
H.R. Owen
Monstrous Agonies presents, How to Make a Podcast: A Beginner's Guide, Told Through the Medium of Bloopers
[The music fades out.]
H.R. Owen
The hardest thing about starting a podcast is often precisely that - getting started. Coming up with your premise and writing your script is one thing, but when it comes to recording, preparation is everything. Make sure your equipment is set up properly, your voice is nicely warmed up, and that you're going to be comfortable before you hit record.
Hero Bloopers
[to the tune of Under the Boardwalk by the Drifters] Under a blanket, where you can't see. I'm a writer not a sound engineer, what do you want from me?
[fumbling, fidgeting noises] Oh, [bleep], ow, me back... [chair creaking] I'm not even thirty. Not even thirty and everything's hurty.
[bad Werner Herzog impression] I would like to see the waveform.
[the Presenter's voice] Oh, sexy narrator voice... Come to me-e-e. [to the tune of Pure Imagination] Come with me and you'll be in a world of sexy narrator voice.
[gargling sounds]
OK. I'm full of blueberry wheats... And I'm ready to [bleep]
H.R. Owen
Let's get this show on the road! When you're recording the body of your podcast, it pays to be familiar with your script, so's to minimise mistakes during recordings. Always practice proper technique to take care of your voice and avoid unpleasant mouth sounds. And remember - it can be lonely, recording by yourself, so don't be afraid to have a little fun with it.
Hero Bloopers
[bleep]-ing spit everywhere, mate! [lip smacking noises]
They're great. They're great! They're like [bleep]-ing Frosties, man, they're grrrreat! [pause] They're brilliant!
[the Presenter's voice] Bingly bingly bip, the time is 13.43PM.
[sing-song] Guess who's got two thumbs, is sitting in a wardrobe, and didn't warm up properly? Plot twist, I've got twelve thumbs! It's alright though, they're not all mine.
[the Presenter's voice] It's almost two o'clock on Thursday morning and time for our weekly... Hmm! [smacks lips] For our weekly spit-jousting competition. [more mouth noises]
[someone slurping a drink, swilling it around their mouth, swallowing loudly and letting out a satisfied sigh. Then, the Presenter's voice] That one's for the fish people.
[bad Werner Herzog impression] I would like to see the soothers!
[to the tune of Atlantic City by Bruce Springsteen, and growing increasingly mumbled and indistinct] Gonna be a rumble out on the promenade and the gambling commission's holding on by the skin of it's teeth, oh baby...
[the Presenter's voice] So you'll want to rule out... Hmm. I can't say the letter R!
[voice cracking] The Nightfolk Network. [whimpering]
[the Presenter's voice] Aaaah. Aough. I'm the sexy night-time radio host, and I need a little more air coming from my diaphragm.
[posh old man voice] And this is a posh old man. My personal favourite. [singing] Elderly gays!
[bad Werner Herzog impression] I will do the noisy bit at the end. [normal voice] Why is always-- Why is always Werner Herzog? [squeaky voice] Why are you always doing Werner Herzog impressions, Hero? [bad Werner Herzog impression] Because I love him with the power of a thousand suns.
[voice cracking] Of creatures- Ooh, hoo hoo! Creatures! [singing] Love them, baby creatures. Little monsters.
[the Presenter's voice] You can't see but I'm doing a little Alexa Rose... limp wrist stance here. It's very attractive. I'm a little bit Alexis. [laughter] I'm a little bit single, even when I'm not.
[lip smacking noises. Then, singing in a silly, slightly French, voice] I am the swamp monster!
But in the blur of new names to put to new faces, I lost track of her-- Why am I scratching during a take? What's wrong with me? [singing] Kill me, shoot me, eat my eyeballs! It's what I deserve!
[bad Werner Herzog impression] This would never happen to Werner.
[the Presenter's voice] Sometimes I start a sentence and I don't know where it's going to go – even though it's written down in front of me!
What do I do now? What... What do I do? [pause] Acting! [laughter]
[the Presenter's voice] Listener, you're being a [bleep]
[heavy sigh] Oh, wardrobe. We're really in it now.
[to the tune of the Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel] This is the sound... of an idiot.
[the Presenter's voice] You do, however-- [unidentifiable body noise] --need-- Hmm! Squelchy!
[the Presenter's voice] Being part of the community isn't about meeting some arbitrary set of entrance-- [laughter] I can't say the letter R! [villainous voice] My nemesis – ruh!
[the Presenter's voice, to the tune of the Passenger by Iggy Pop] I am the Presenter. I advise, I advise, I advise.
I hope-- [lip smacking noises] Hmm. Grease me up, daddy-o. I'm about to become-- [lip balm being opened] --the greasiest podcaster on the island! Unlucky, Neighbourly Pod. [laughter, lip balm being closed] Mmm. The All-Ireland Grease Off!
[fairly bad Irish accent] Pure [bleep]-ing roastin' in here. Absolutely sweatin' the balls aff me. [pause. Then, normal voice] Plot twist, I don't have any balls.
[the Presenter's voice] Autobiography of Red-- Ooh! Can't say the letter R. Foiled again by my nemesis – ruh.
[unidentifiable accent] Autobiography of Red by Ann Carson. How come all them all monsters are gay, Ann? Ann? Why are the monsters gay, Ann? [impression of that one guy from Black Books played by Peter Serafinowicz who does the shipping forecast] Ann? Is that you, Ann Carson?
We talk to the creature community's leading perfumier, Mos-- Per... Pruh... Per-- We talk to the creature community's leading perfumier-- Perf... Perfumier... We talk to the-- We talk to the creature community's leading perfumier-- We talk to the creature community's leading perfumier-- Perf? Pru-fu-mi-er... Perfumier? Puh... [pause] We talk to the creature community's leading perfume designer...
H.R. Owen
If you feel the format of your podcast is getting a little stale, you can always liven it up with guest spots from other performers. Choose your colleagues wisely - you want to be sure you're working with someone who'll maintain the same high standard that you've set for yourself.
Sophie B Bloopers
Lucky I tried it really-- [lip smacking noises] Nam nam nam nam! Need some water!
[very quickly] Back where you started-- That felt just as fast as the first time! [singing] Why am I so quick all the time? Speedy, speedy, speedy!
[various noises of a failure to speak] Eh, creaky, creaky throat!
Urgh. [lip smack] I feel like I did a Donald Duck [quacking noise] in the middle of that. My mouth-- My mouth went all-- Hang on, hot drink time, hot drink. [lip smacking, then the sound of drinking] Are you enjoying all my mouth sounds? I hope you are.
I've never really spent time with anyone in her jennus before-- Is it genus? I think it might be genus. [bleep] Hero, [bleep]! [laughter]
So, here are all the reasons I think-- Ee, [bleep] I didn't think of anybody funny in time! I'm gonna redo that bit, give me a moment.
I think that's... I think that's, um. I think that's that! Have a listen through and edit it down, and if anything needs redoing, just let me know. I've drunk so much water. [laughing] I'm about to have... the biggest [bleep]of my life!
H.R. Owen
Special episodes like Q&A sessions can be a fun way to break up your regular episodes. These recording sessions may feel less formal than their scripted counterparts, but it's still important that you stay focused, and ensure the best recording you can.
[NOTE: For clarity, this section of the transcript uses # to mark the end of separate bloopers]
Sophie B Bloopers
Do you have a favourite submission, and [distant thumping] do you have a favourite one that you did? [distant thumping]
Hero Bloopers
Uh... Is he bumping around upstairs?
Sophie B Bloopers
I think it was, mmm... Next door--
Hero Bloopers
Next door! Urgh! Yes.
Sophie B Bloopers
Next door are the true villains of Monstrous Agonies.
Hero Bloopers
The real monsters are my [bleep]-ing next door neighbours!
Sophie B Bloopers
[laughs] Do you want me to ask that again?
Hero Bloopers
Yeah, please.
#
[sounds of drinking]
Sophie B Bloopers
Slurp break, slurp break. OK.
#
Sophie B Bloopers
Let's have a-- Hang on, I'm gonna, I'm gonna have a slurp break. Do you wanna have a slurp break?
Hero Bloopers
I hate that we're calling it that. [drinking sounds] It's accurate, but at what cost?
Sophie B Bloopers
Yep. There's Louis Armstrong song called Cheesecake where it's like, [singing] “Cheesecake! Munchin' on a cheesecake!” and I'm just like, [singing] slurp break! Going on a slurp break, going on a slurp break, going on a slurp break – slurp break! Um... [laughter]
Hero Bloopers
Beautiful.
#
Sophie B Bloopers
So far, what's been the absolute best thing about making a podcast?
Hero Bloopers
Um... It's got to be-- [laughs] No. Um--
Sophie B Bloopers
Were you going to say, “The listeners--”
Hero Bloopers
No, I was--
Sophie B Bloopers
--along the way”?
Hero Bloopers
No, I was going to say, “It's gotta be... the CHICKS!”
[laughter]
#
Hero Bloopers
[to the tune of I Dreamed A Dream] I slurped a slurp of slurps gone by... I don't know this song. I don't know that song.
Sophie B Bloopers
What's it from?
Hero Bloopers
[heavy sigh] It's either Aladdin or Les Mis--
Sophie B Bloopers
[laughing] Aladdin!!
H.R. Owen
With these tips in mind, you'll be on your way to podcasting stardom in no time!
[Title music: slow, bluesy jazz. It plays throughout the closing credits.]
H.R. Owen
Monstrous Agonies will be back to its regular schedule in a few weeks time. Follow us on Tumblr, @MonstrousAgonies, or on Twitter, @Monstrous_Pod, to keep up to date with announcements and news. You can also submit letters and suggestions for Season Two through our social media, through the website, or by email.
You can support the programme by rating and reviewing it on iTunes, sharing with your friends and familiars, or supporting us on Patreon at patreon.com/monstrousagonies.
This podcast is distributed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License. The theme tune is Dakota by Unheard Music Concepts.
Thanks for listening, and remember--
Hero Bloopers
The real friends... are the monsters we met... under the bed.
False. The real monsters are people who think that the war on Christmas is a thing.
The real monsters are the predatory diet industry!
[squeaky voice] The real monsters are capitalism, and always have been!
The real monsters... is whichever [bleep]-head decided to make a podcast... [in the Presenter's voice] in that [bleeping] voice!
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